on hair, weddings, and the combined challenge of the two

HELLO, I HAVE RISEN FROM THE DEAD.

Just kidding, it’s only been five months since my last post. This isn’t even my longest hiatus! I am so terrible at this. Blogging, I mean. Writing consistently in general. I bought a journal like a year and a half ago and I’ve filled 8 pages in it. Out of 250+ pages. But I digress. The real reason I’m showing my face here again is to talk about the literal bane of my existence: my hair.

First things first: I have great hair. I’m probably the vainest person I know because I’m actually in awe of how great my own hair is. It’s long and thick and I can literally do nothing with it and it’ll look awesome all day. This is wonderful for when I don’t want to get out of bed until five minutes before class starts, or for when all I have to do to get it looking presentable for church is put two (2) bobby pins in.

But I’m facing a unique challenge in this stage of my life called all-my-friends-are-getting-married. This in itself isn’t a challenge, since I love the concept of marriage and I fully endorse every couple I know who’s looking to tie the knot this summer. (By the way, that’s 43 couples. I’ve been keeping a list since January of all the couples I know who are engaged. 43.) I’ve been invited to 10 weddings already and I’m going to at least 8 of them. This, again, isn’t a challenge because anyone who knows me knows that I love weddings. Love them. Everything about weddings makes me happy and I will shed tears to illustrate just how happy I am about everything (and maybe a few tears for my perpetual singleness, but I’m learning to be ok with that, and anyway the vast majority are tears of joy at seeing so many beautiful things at once). Seriously, everything is beautiful at a wedding. The bride. The groom. The vows. The looks on their faces as they gaze awkwardly and lovingly into each other’s eyes. The people in the congregation who are there to celebrate the couple. The decorations. The food. The cake. The awkward MCs at the reception (I get to be one of those awkward MCs in just two weeks!). The cringeworthy open mics. The newlywed’s first dance. Literally everything is beautiful. I love&adore weddings.

While weddings themselves are not a challenging experience, however, my individual journey to get to that wedding is an ultra challenge. I don’t mean the physical trip, because all I have to do is hop in a car and drive. I mean the getting ready.

Choosing what to wear isn’t that big of a deal since I only own like three dresses, so I’ll just rotate them around. Also I feel literally no shame at people seeing me wearing the same thing twice, which is good because 7 of the weddings I’m going to this summer are Millar weddings, which means the guest lists will have huge overlap. So you’re going to see that bright yellow dress again, Millar folk. Mark my words.
Makeup is also not that big of a challenge since I’m pretty adept at doing my own and I’m also comfortable going without. Also summer is the best because half of what goes into my normal routine can literally metaphorically be tossed in the trash. Tinted moisturizer? Bronzer? I’m already bronze! Holla @ the sun for keeping my face glowing for at least four months out of the year.

Wardrobe, check. Makeup, check. The only thing left is…

hair. Mine is voluminous and wavy and totally inappropriate for any occasion more formal than a Sunday morning church service. Like I said, it’s great for the day-to-day, but not so great for everything else. It’s a blessing and a curse. A double-edged follicle. If I straighten my hair it looks better because at least it’s sleek, but it still doesn’t look formal. For the past two years, this girl from Millar named Carolyn has done my hair for grad and it always looks amazing. I look like a fairy princess. I feel like a fairy princess. This year for grad she did some sort of wizardry where she put my hair in a ponytail, curled small strands around her fingers, and then pinned those curls to my head. Then she put flowers in the whole thing! It looked amazing and while she was working her magic I was thinking, “This seems simple. I could probably do this myself.” How wrong I was.

Two days ago I realized that I need to figure out something to do with my hair so I stood in front of a mirror and tried for four hours to make my hair resemble anything other than a tumbleweed. It was a fruitless attempt. I tried to do Carolyn’s thing and it looked like a literal birds nest. Props to you, Carolyn. I have no idea how you do it. You are a grade-A wizard. I searched easy updos for incompetent people in google (those were my actual search terms), but even those hairstyles were too complex. So then I thought “Well I’ll just curl the ends then! That always looks formal,” but surprise! I can’t use a curling wand. After four hours of frustration, ruined bobby pins, broken hair elastics, and slightly singed fingers, I gave up. Only to try again yesterday. And again today. With the same results.

Don’t all girls know how to curl hair? I always thought that it was secret knowledge imparted to all girls when they reached the age of sixteen. But I was so wrong! Or at least I didn’t catch the secret. Maybe I just missed the knowledge-imparting, because it seems that every other girl I know has no problem curling her own hair, her friends’ hair, her dogs hair, her Barbie’s hair. But I have no idea. It’s a miracle that I can even straighten my hair.
These past three days of trying to do something nice with my hair have made me infinitely more grateful that God blessed me with easy towel-dry-and-go kind of hair, so that I can walk through my life without everyone realizing that I don’t know how to do hair. I have fooled everyone. They think I’m competent. How wrong they are.

So if you see Hagrid at your wedding this summer and you’re certain you didn’t invite him, don’t recheck the guest list. It’s not him. It’s me.

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“But wouldn’t your hair look sleek and shiny if you brushed it?” 

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