Day 18 – the Song that Most Accurately Describes Your Mood Today
Lately I’ve been feeling incredibly mediocre in my faith. Lukewarm. Ironically enough I think it started when I came to Bible school – I honestly feel like my faith has been waning since then.
Last night there was an evening of worship that we as a drama class were required to go to. I was in no mood to go because I had a lot of homework and I haven’t enjoyed worship in a very long time. However, because it was a class requirement, I showed up with a bad attitude and all I was really thinking about was how much work I had yet to do that night. And then I got there…
…and it sucked. The worship didn’t suck. It was actually very good. The message didn’t suck. It was actually incredibly powerful but through it, God took ahold of my life – and THAT sucked.
To have next to nothing to do with God for over a month and suddenly have Him move very clearly and very powerfully in your life is not a pleasant experience. It HURTS. It is PAINFUL. God showed me things last night that I hadn’t even realized I’ve been struggling with for the past two months but now that they’re revealed to me I realize the stumbling blocks they’ve been in my life.
At one point, the man speaking told us to break into groups and pray with each other. The two girls on either side of me immediately angled their chairs in but I took mine out altogether and told them I was going to go pray by myself. I went and sat in a corner and put my head in my hands and started to weep. The message that evening had been about the parable of the sower and while I was listening to it, I was struck by the startling and horrible realization that I am the thorny ground. I receive the Word but my focus on worldly things rises up and chokes it out and while it’s choking that Word, it’s also choking me.
I prayed – really prayed, really brought my fears and insecurities before God, really talked to Him and really believed that He heard me – for the first time since September and it was so refreshing but so heart-wrenching. I told God that I’ve had no passion for Him since the summer. Worship through music doesn’t affect me the way it used to, in fact it doesn’t affect me at all. In the past month I’ve had no desire to serve God or spread His kingdom. That in itself was an awful, awful realization.
So last night I made a decision to recommit my life to God. I told Him quite plainly that whatever plans He has for my life, I’ll embrace them gladly. I’m done living this life of dead Christianity and I’m done having no passion for God. I don’t want to be salt that loses its saltiness and I don’t want to be a light that’s hidden under a basket.
I’m finished being lukewarm. I’m done with fronting my Christianity and posing as a warrior for God. I’m not a warrior. I’m a pathetic squire who wants to prove herself but runs away.
Last night I surrendered my life to God – not that I had ever lost my salvation, but I did lose my desire to serve God – and today I feel like crap. I’m in the worst possible mood. I feel sick. I want to crawl into bed and not talk to God and not talk to people and I KNOW this is the work of Satan and I know that today I need to spend a ridiculous amount of time in prayer and communion with God. If you think of it, pray for me. Pray that this commitment would stick and that I wouldn’t go back on the promise that I’ve made to God.
I’m leaving you with two songs today – the first, from my mood last night, the second, from my mood this morning.